Getting there

I'm about 35,000 words into my book. It's beginning to become a bit of a beast, and I don't mind admitting that I feel, well, a bit stuck.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be an entrepreneur- to go solo in my career. Setting up my website, Whole Science, at the age of 23 (5 years ago) was my first attempt. 2 years and a few grand later, I realised that an online subscription website probably wasnt the way to go.

I worked for myself briefly, as a hypnotherapist when I was around 24. I enjoyed the freedom, but I wasn't that enthusiastic about being someone's 'therapist'. I wanted to teach people the information that they could be in control of their own mind, not be someone that fixed it for them. So that didnt last long, either.

Fast forward a couple of years and I started to write more, and do talks. I created my own website and started to make video blogs. I went on local radio stations. I loved it. All I want to do, all I've ever wanted to do, was to write and speak about the mind. And not just in one way- I like creating content, so videos, blogs, podcasts- you name it, I've tried it.

But it soon became apparent that I needed to have something behind me- a product, something tangible, something that represented who I was and the type of thing you would be getting if you invested in me. So I started writing this book, in Feb 2012, and its still going, albeit a little slow.

I've realised one thing- that I will never give up. No matter how long this process takes me, no matter how painful the road may be of overcoming my fears and speaking out for what I believe in, I am going to continue to plug away at this dream. The dream of being a successful personal development writer and speaker, who works on stage, behind a laptop, makes videos, writes, is interviewed, and conducts workshops and seminars.

Why can't I give up? I dont know. I think its because I know inside I have what it takes, even though that inner conviction is often masked by self-doubt, insecurity and fear. I know that I can help a lot of people if I get over my own fear. And more recently, I've realised that my greatest pain (fear of putting myself out there) may also be my greatest pleasure, as well.

So I'm giving myself a proverbial 'pep talk' through writing this blog, which I'm sure most writers need to do from time to time. It's a long, lonely road, and you hope that you can get 'in the flow', because when you do, it feels great.

Now, in 2013 and at the age of 28, I've said to myself that I'd like to be published before I'm 30. To have my work published by a mainstream publisher would be an absolute dream come true.

Ironically, the thing that is stopping me is the thing I am writing about- my mindset. I need to be refuelled with the possibility that it could happen, to be fuelled with the excitement of seeing my book in Waterstones. That, my friends, is what I need to focus on.

Sample chapter from my new book

When we feel loss, either for a friend or for a relationship, then we tend to close our minds off to possibility. We ruminate over what could have been, and go over situations in our mind repeatedly, wondering what could have been. We cling on to the person that has gone in our minds, thinking about all their great qualities and what could have gone wrong in their mind for them to no longer want us in their life.

In our minds, we look at the closed door. We look at the thing lost, not the new opportunities that are now being presented to us as a result of this experience.

Sometimes, we look at the closed door for months or even years, focusing on the loss.

By focusing our thoughts on what we lost, rather than what we can do now, we limit ourselves to looking backward. We place ourselves as a victim rather than a conscious choice maker.

In each and every moment, you have a choice over how to respond to situations. You can choose to let a situation break you or make you. Inevitably, it will be hard recovering from a lost love, a broken friendship, an estranged family member, but in order to bounce back stronger, a healthy dose of self love is vital. 

Once you begin to hold love for yourself, you are no longer the victim. You no longer place that person on a pedestal in your mind, because in your mind, if someone withdraws their love, then that is ok (yes, really!). That is their choice. There’s no doubt that it will hurt, that you will feel pain, that is normal, but you can open your mind to possibility- that someone else, out of these 6 billion people on the planet, will be right for you.

By opening your mind to possibility you see options instead of limitations. You see hope instead of fear. You are focused on yourself rather than the other person. And if, if you have kept your sense of self throughout the relationship and continued to love yourself throughout, you only have one less person loving you. The most important person that needs to love you is still there- you.

The reason we find it difficult is because we live with a limited mindset most of the time. We are used to thinking ‘there’s not enough’ in a lot of situations. We think the glass is half empty rather than half full. We call it ‘being realistic’, But is being ‘realistic’ conducive to your happiness? Do you feel good when you are ‘being realistic’? 

I’ve heard so many people say ‘well that’s it. I’m on the shelf. I’m probably destined to be on the shelf forever.’ And I can understand why they might think that, having been on a string of unsuccessful dates or having lots of failed relationships behind them. But that mindset will not help them in getting what they want. Why? Because it is a mindset of fear. It is a mindset of lack, of limitation. What happens if we think there’s not enough of something?

We cling onto it, we hold onto it. What would be the difference in your mindset if I told you that you had all the time in the world, compared to you having a week left of your life?

See the world as abundant and full of people that would love to love you. There are over 6 billion people on this planet, with you being as great as you are then surely the majority would love to love you? You can take your pick! Fishing in a sea that is teeming with beautiful and delicious fish is far more exciting than fishing in a sea where we’re convinced we won’t even get a bite.

Groundhog Day

I watched the movie 'Groundhog Day' last night, and it really resonated with me. Because 'Phil' knew he only had one day of his life to live, he eventually ended up being the best he could be. Of course before that he went through a whole host of emotions, eventually deciding to make the most of the opportunities presented to him.

It was all the more poignant to me as I found out yesterday I had lost out on what I thought to be my 'dream' job. Finally, I could get paid for doing what I love, I had thought. And yet the promise of that has faded, and I'm back to the drawing board.

At 3:00am this morning I awoke, and lay there thinking about how I was going to give the company all the research I'd done for the job. I got up, and went downstairs (it's now 4:57am). I messaged my friend in Vietnam who was surprised to find I was awake- and I told her what had happened. I told her that for the job, I had done over 30 pages of research, bought a book on the subject, written three pages of articles for my website, and devised a speech on the subject which I am due to present on next week.

Then, it hit me. This is my dream. This is what I am most passionate about. I got so overly emotional around this 'perfect' job that it lead me to realise one incredibly important thing - this is my hearts desire. My heart's desire is to communicate wellbeing to people.

I feel compelled to do this work, I can spend hours reading and researching. Time slips away when I am doing what I love.

And watching Groundhog Day made me realise- we only have one chance. Just like Phil, who only had one day, we only have one life. Life is far, far, too short not to be the best you can be and go for your dreams.

My most personal blog

Recently, I've had several experiences with various people who are using a new way to promote themselves- the power of their personal story.

I went to an Above & Beyond concert where they shared their stories with the audience through messages on the projector screen, and then I got introduced to a company called Mojo Life, who encourage companies to promote their brands through storytelling. My friend rang me last night who I hadn't spoken to for nearly a year telling me about a book he'd bought by Simon Sinek, called 'Start with Why'.

So I've started to think more about why I do what I do. I know why, but to be honest I've never encouraged talking about it. You know the X-factor type stories when there's sad music behind it...come on, we've all been through hard times. It doesn't make me any different.

But where it does make me different, I suppose, is what I have done as a result of my experiences. I realised that I do need to share the 'why' with people, why I do what I do.

I know that some of my close friends now might not even be aware of my story. I don't talk about it. You don't meet someone and say 'do you know that I've had x, y, and z happen to me'. But as much as I feel uncomfortable sharing, here it is, here's my story:



I've had to deal with death from a young age- my six year old cousin died from cancer when I was 18. I didn't expect him to die. In fact, me & my family were all on Living TV with Emma Forbes as part of a programme called 'Dream makers' who presented Daniel with a computer 'to make his dream come true' and we thought he was in remission. But sadly we lost him a few months later. At ages 20 and 24 I nursed two family members at home when they were terminally ill . My grandad, who I nursed at age 24 was only 69, and was extremely scared of death, and the family member I was closest to. He endured mental anguish and writhed around in his bed before the only thing the nurses could do was heavily sedate him, so he could at least go without knowing it. I've been in debt, lost all my money and ended up working in a methadone clinic for heroin addicts, Ive been extremely lonely and without friends for several years, and I've been dumped by a boyfriend and left to my own devices in a foreign country. And I'm still only 27 ;)

So I've personally had to encounter many situations when 'managing my mindset' was the only thing I could do to feel positive, to lift myself up in some way. I was always the kind of person that put others first and myself last. Going through these experiences made me realise that was the wrong way around- you should always, always, put yourself first and think highly of yourself first and foremost. I began to realise that when you're kind to yourself in your mind, when you truly believe in your own worthiness and start to love yourself, then you are more likely to be happy in all areas of your life.

So that is why I do what I do. Life's simply too precious not to love yourself and make yourself happy.

Choose your mindset for happiness

What's the difference between someone that is happy and someone that isn't?

Their environment, you might say, what is happening in their experience. And that is partly true, but we all know that you can put two people into the same environment and one might be happy and the other one won't be.

Is it money?

We all know that money doesn't necessarily equate to happiness. In fact, some of the richest people in the world suffer with depression or low self esteem. Money can certainly improve our happiness but it's not the source of it.

Is it relationships?

Again, people can definitely make us happy. In fact, people have a stronger influence over the way we think and feel more than anything else. But again, someone can have loving and supportive friendships and relationships yet still not be satisfied, still be unfulfilled.

What makes a person happy is their mindset- how they perceive their experience, and how they perceive themselves.

It is important to not only think and feel good about your life, but to also think and feel good about yourself in order to be happy.

Why do we struggle so much for happiness, then?

Well, we have always been conditioned to look out for lack- to seek more, to do more, and to be more. Whilst this is a valuable trait needed for human growth, if unbridled, it often stops us from living in the moment and appreciating something good about where we are right now.

Ask yourself 'Why am I not content right now'? And if your answer is that you have not yet obtained something outside of yourself, stop. If you acquire that thing are you certain you will be happy? For a time, maybe.

But after that? Studies have shown with lottery winners that their happiness actually plateaus for a while, it doesn't continue. We all get used to 'having' something for a while, then the novelty wears off.

So how can we be happy? If happiness is a state of mind, and relates to the way we feel about ourselves and our environment, then we must first start within. Happy people like themselves. You can't feel good and think negatively about yourself at the same time. Begin to focus on all the things you appreciate about you, and you're one step closer to happiness.

For more secrets of happy people and techniques for emotional mastery, take a look at my workshop 'Choose Happiness'

Letting others 'push your buttons'

You know how people say 'they really pushed my buttons'?

Or

'They hit a raw nerve'
'They wound me up'
'They got under my skin'

Usually, the emotion of anger is involved. We're angry primarily because we've let what another person said or did affect how we're feeling, it's thrown us off balance.

'Button pushing' is a sign of insecurity and the perpetrator often does it to subconsciously cause a lack of power in the individual, to rattle them in some way.

Sometimes, our colleagues, or our partners, or even our friends say things that instantly make us feel some kind of sharp emotion.

It could be felt in the gut, as an instinctual reaction to whatever that person has just done.

Habitually, we're used to just reacting, 'How dare you say that to me!' or some other defensive mechanism, either berating the other person or saying something that will elevate ourselves to a seemingly more superior position. It's a game for power, but there's a way you can always win.

The next time someone says something that 'pushes your buttons', instead of instantly reacting when you feel that emotion (and we are human, we are bound to feel hurt/anger), instead, take a deep breath and calmly choose to respond in the complete opposite way that the other person is expecting.

The other person's shocked! They don't expect you to take their insult/remark/comment without some kind of emotional reaction. In fact, they want a reaction, not a controlled response.

By changing your responses to these kind of people they will soon realise that they cannot have any power over you. Their words or actions may hurt you, but you choose to rise above it, even perhaps be nice to them, for they shouldn't really be trying to make you feel bad if they are a decent human being.

By showing love, peace and even kindness to those that hurt you, you're even showing them that there's another way. You're showing them your inner strength, and you're realising that the only person who can really push any buttons, is you.

Why I put myself 'out there'

Whenever I press 'share' on a link to something I've done, a video, a blog, an article, there's an anxiety within me.

I think of all the 'who does she think she is''s running through peoples minds.

Why then, if I worry about what people think of me, do I post it regardless?

Because I believe what I'm saying is important. It's not about me. It's about my message, the fact that I want to help as many people as I can to be in control of their lives, to be happier.

I put myself out there despite my fear because ultimately I want to live a life with no regrets.

I am fully aware of my shortcomings and strengths, and I understand that people will pick up on them with equal measure, but I carry on regardless in the hope that I help at least a few people with what I'm saying.

I hope I can be an inspiration to people to change aspects of their life they're not happy with. When you're inspired, you're compelled to act beyond fear. And that is my wish for everyone.

“Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.” - John Jakes